When the news get too depressing these are the books to read.

Now, where can one find happiness? Always a good place to start is: anywhere a good, sound couple of laughs wash away the alternative, of course. And each of the Tricky Headlines eBooks holds hundreds and hundreds of laughs for the having. Here you can enjoy the hilarious, definitely not politically correct (PC) quips, comments, and invariably irreverent observations of/by S D Rodrian on today's news headlines collected in this ever continuing series of books intended most especially of all for the latest eReaders out there (each & every available tablet, computer, and iPhone you can buy).

In a world of serious, sad, and even quite tragic circumstances (a world in which about the greatest need is & always will remain the need for laughter), humor always is the point of departure here... ever the abiding goal of these forthright takes on today's so very truly tricky headlines.

S D Rodrian

[Below you can read some of their contents.]

Latter-Day-Musings / S D Rodrian
Barnes And Noble  KOBO eBooks

Tricky Headlines 5 / S D Rodrian
Happy Schadenfreudes to You Democrats & Republicans!
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 3 / S D Rodrian
The World Is Funnier Than It Lets On
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 4 / S D Rodrian
Sinful Pleasures of the Anti-Politically Correct
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 1 / S D Rodrian
A profound treatise upon the human condition.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 2 / S D Rodrian
An Amusing Stare Into The Tragedies of Man.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Continuing this flippant series of hilarious eBooks exploiting the apparent inability of the writers & editors of today's "Tricky Headlines" to compose clear, unambiguous copy--Puzzlement, amazement, outrage, and the humor of their folly, silliness, ambiguity, injustice, intent to deceive, along with all the rest of it. Intended for an adult audience (think of these items as comics without the graphics). Every collection suitable to be the ideal reading companion for any seated occasion.
eBook Image

Do buy my eBooks and help me to topple Bill Gates off the top of that swanky Forbes's list. eBook Image

What, you want to get bogged down in some inane novel written by a tiresome pointless novelist, or you wanna laugh at the stupidity of Man?

[You may preview these eBooks at Amazon.com]

       The Kindle Store

              The Perfect Gift
            for friend or enemy
*******************************************************************************************************

       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

****************************************************

       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!
"

****************************************************

Israeli balloon helped protect Pope Francis on South America visit

Proof of the supremacy of the Pope: Most leaders need drones & helicopter gunships to protect them, but the Pope needs only a simple balloon.

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‘The clown shot her’: Police make arrest in bizarre cold case after nearly three decades

"It was the last clown we thought had done it, so naturally it was the last one we investigated." [Bingo. That was the name of the clown.]

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Russian ‘Cannibal Couple’ Suspected Of Killing, Eating Up To 30 People

They only killed to eat. Therefore, under Natural Law they have to be exonerated & returned to the wild.

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Everyone Loves This Drink And No One Can Pronounce It

Least not after a couple of'em!

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Rapper B.o.B. Wants To Use Crowdfunding To Prove That The Earth Is Flat

His resources would probably be better spent trying to prove that he's not a blood relative of Rush Limbaugh.

****************************************************

FDA halts nicotine research on monkeys that Jane Goodall denounced as ‘shameful’

Lighten up, Jane! They're smoking tobacco, not crack. ["Now who's gonna buy us our smokes!"]

****************************************************

Of course stars should weigh in on politics. What else is celebrity good for?

Same as always: Cashing in.

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Official sacked after Yoda image appears in Saudi textbook

"But I'm telling you: It's NOT Muhammed!" [No good: "Get in the sack!"]

****************************************************

Scientists find that belching cows could solve a key mystery about the atmosphere

And all they have to do is teach the cows to stop belching long enough to steady their hold on their scientific instruments.

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Undocumented Workers Are The Backbone Of Dairies. Will Trump Change That?

Maybe. He's already been milking the government cash cow for all she's got.

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Jimmy Carter: What I’ve learned from North Korea’s leaders

Knew Jimmy couldn't've gone to school here in the States, what with the way he speaks that English of his.

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Putin Says Russia Has ‘Many Friends’ in U.S. Who Can Mend Relations

We know: Congress is trying to find them right now for possible prosecution.

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Adorable Cat Joins New Zealand Cop On His Shift

His specialty is running down a perpetrator in an alley.

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Video: Tillerson refuses to address report that he referred to Trump as a ‘moron’

"A moron is the very last person to whom one admits having called him a moron."

Trump proposes ‘IQ tests’ face-off with Secretary of State Tillerson after reported ‘moron’ comment

Trump sez he already has all the answers memoronized, so if Tillerson is up to it they can sit down anytime anywhere he likes.

S D Rodrian's Impromptu I.Q. Test:

SDRodrian: "Which weighs more:
a pound of iron or a pound of popcorn?"

Trump: "A pound of iron!"

SDRodrian: "Would you like to rethink
your answer, Mister Trump?"

[Can't think.]

SDRodrian: "Mister Tillerson?..."

Tillerson: "They both weigh the same pound,
of course."

SDRodrian: "WRONG! It's the pound of pop corn.
Because... when have you ever seen a pound
of pop corn ain't got a kid on it?"

[Sorry, but ya both are morons.]

****************************************************

This $3,000 baby stroller drives itself. Would you buy it?

No. I'm looking for something bigger.

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The Elusive Giant Coconut-Cracking Rat of the Solomon Islands

"I don't like eat'n 'em. I just like crack'n 'em--Scares the hell outta people."

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Tom Price Resigns Under Pressure

It was either that or fart stupendously hard.

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As Puerto Rico Struggles, ‘Where Is the Cavalry?’

They're on the way. It just takes the horses a while to tread salt water, that's all.

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The Debrief: Swamp rises around administration that vowed to drain it

Told you Swap Thing was not the guy to put in there to do this.

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Carolyn Hax: My boyfriend got married behind my back. Dealbreaker?

Absolutely not, honey: I'm sure it'll be no time at all before he'll be telling you that he's planning to leave his wife. You'll see.

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Here's How Much Exercise You Need Per Week To Live Longer

Approximately about a bit over ten times more than you're doing right now.

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Cam Newton Apologizes For ‘Degrading’ Insult To Female Reporter

"If I'd known it was gonna cost me money I never would've said it."

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‘Good reason’ no longer needed to carry a concealed gun in D.C.

"Just wanted my girlfriend to think I was happy to see her." ["Good enough: Give him back the gun."]

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Egypt expands buffer zone along Gaza boarder

Hey, the poor guy is probably a very messy eater.

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A Bumper Crop of Lobsters. So Why Is an Ex-Lobsterman Growing Oysters?

"Because it costs too much to replace every car you run into the sea to crash on them lobsters, that's why!"

****************************************************

A Running List Of All The Women Who Have Accused Harvey Weinstein

The only woman not on the list yet is his mom.

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He couldn’t get a passport. So the FBI says he threatened to murder officials and bought a gun.

Does not say whether he got his passport.

****************************************************

Completely driverless cars could hit California roads as early as next June, if not sooner

Hard to tell exactly what they might be hitting after that. [But, we'll see.] Warning: As passengers can override control verbally, it's not a good idea to bring onboard any of those little dogs whose constant bark sounds awfully close to: "Stop! Stop! Stop!" Or especially: "Rush! Rush! Rush!" [But, in an emergency, simply open a window and chuck the doggy out to save your life.]

****************************************************

Black man attacked at white nationalist rally in Charlottesville faces felony charge

Luckily he was the only one there, so no other black men are facing felony charges at this time for getting beat up.

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How to dump someone in a humane way

You should wrap him/her in a tasteful bedcover at least. Those who dump people in an old shower curtain or moldy carpet are just showing they don't have any class.

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Did 'Nutcracker Man' Give Us Genital Herpes?

Only to those of you who handled his nuts.

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We always spoke of our love in metaphors. But symbols couldn’t sustain our marriage.

You are the bitters on my every drink.

And you are the rack beneath my dreams.

The love are you, beloved, of a buzzard for its next carcass.

And you are the eagle's scream I hear when standing upon the edge of the Grand Canyon... trying to catch a glimpse of the floor below.

You are the hoe that digs my grave.

And you are the dust bowl of my prairie.
I think we better get a divorce. Don't you?

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Memo: The word “moron” is banned from the White House!

You mean we can't refer to the President as The Moron?! [How we gonna know who we're talking about then?!]

****************************************************

Man spends more than 30 unpaid years tending to the dead at Miami Cemetery

"I was told there was a rich Count buried someplace around here who might come back to life someday," Mister Renfield told reporters.

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Trump: Comment to war widow was ‘fabricated.’ Witness: ‘He’s a liar.’

What a surprise.

‘He knew what he signed up for,’ Trump reportedly tells widow of fallen Miami Gardens soldier

Hey, that's Trump. He could just as easily have told her: "Better him than me." [Which is probably what he was thinking.] The man hath self-control, you know.

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Bicyclers from all over the world to pedal for Arab-Israeli peace

Yes, of course! That was it! That's what was keeping the Arabs from making peace with Israel! How could we have missed it all these years?!

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Hungary: Police search Scientology center in Budapest

Could not find any science.

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Files show new details of US support for Indonesia bloodbath

Does not say whether the Indonesia bloodbath is a beauty bath or it's for medicinal purposes.

****************************************************

Scientists Somehow Just Discovered A New System Of Vessels In Our Brains

No wonder I'm constantly thinking of running off to sail the 7 seas!

****************************************************

Dogs Pay Attention to Your Looks

I know. That's why I always shave & comb my hair before I take Poopsy out to do his duty.

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Police Discover Speeding Driver Nearly Naked And Covered In Vaseline

Surprisingly he was not rushing into anything sexual.

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Scientists Scrambling To Save Beloved Primates Of 'Monkey Island' In Puerto Rico

Even when they show some love for Puertoricans, they still can't keep themselves from slipping in the insult!

****************************************************

The First Cat In Space May Finally Get The Recognition She Deserves

Does not say whether cat still landed on her feet dropped from that high up.

****************************************************

Study: Pollution Kills Far More People Than We Realize, At A Far Greater Cost

Does not say what it is we gotta find to kill more people more cheaply.

****************************************************

After Weinstein’s fall, Trump’s accusers wonder: Why not him?

One word: Bill Clinton

****************************************************

Why does Putin want to control Ukraine? Ask Stalin.

I did. And, basicaly, he just stood there.

****************************************************

US Navy rescues sailors and their 2 dogs lost at sea for months

Dogs say they would've killed & eaten the sailors, but they didn't know how to keep blowing up the inflatable without chewing it to shreds.

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Leader of UK far-right group charged with encouraging murder

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Tillerson again insists Syrian leader Assad must go

Assad sez Tillerson a very poor host. And that he'll go when he finishes his coffee.

****************************************************

NATO chief says allies concerned about Russian phone jamming

Although not as concerned as they are about their phones being jammed by incontinence salesmen and people asking for donations & contributions (to imaginary institutions).

****************************************************

Pope to reach heavenward with space station hookup

But, as Pope hasn't yet learned the earth is round, scientists fear they might inadvertently put him in touch wih Satan instead of with God. [Depends on which way is really UP, of course.]

The Latest: Astronaut tells pope of Earth from God's view

Pope requests he ask lotto numbers from God. [Astronaut sez God replied: "6-6-6" Sez it's a sure bet down here on earth.]

****************************************************

US rabbis to Israel: End alleged arms sales to Myanmar

Israel to US rabbis: Fine, from here on out they are allegedly ended.

****************************************************

Your Dog Making A 'Sad Puppy Face' May Be Trying To Tell You Something

If it's that he wants his own car he can keep making faces till Doomsday, the way he drives.

****************************************************

The Damage Trump Can Do With 4,000 Nuclear Warheads

On the other hand, think of the urban renewal he could bring about!

Trump in Texas: ‘I’m the builder president. Remember that.’

****************************************************

Smuggled sperm allows Palestinian prisoners to become fathers

"You think this was easy? You have any idea how much sperm we swallowed in here before we got this going in the right direction?"

****************************************************

The Museum of You Does Not Have a Gift Shop

Really? Where do I buy myself that special gift then?!

****************************************************

Trump Brags About Having ‘One Of The Great Memories Of All Time’

I believe it. That is the clinical definition of being delusional: Thinking you're remembering things when it's really just your brain making stuff up.

****************************************************

Does Trump Understand The Implications Of Xi’s ‘Extraordinary Elevation?’

Understand it? That's what he's trying to get for himself here.

****************************************************

Man ticketed for singing while driving

Cop sez he kept getting too many of the lyrics wrong to let it slide.

****************************************************

Police arrest vandal who painted swastikas on Jewish home

Police say he was easy to spot, as he was going around with a little mustache and a bucket of paint.

****************************************************

White House: All The Women Who Say Trump Sexually Harassed Them Are Liars

Yes. For some strange reason there's a conspiracy brewing among thousands of perfectly normal women to claim Trump, Bill Cosby, Weinstein (and all those other sexual predators) assaulted them. What an odd world this has become indeed!

****************************************************

Woody Harrelson’s Dinner Date With Trump Did Not End Well

Woody didn't wanna go up to Trump's hotel room afterwards. And in the end Trump & Woody passed the check back & forth so many times with their greasy fingers nobody could read the amount. So they both agreed neither of them had to pay for the meal, and went their separate ways--sexually frustrated maybe, but without having to shell out for so much as a tip.

****************************************************

Astros’ Yuli Gurriel banned five games for racist gesture, but not during World Series

Does not say whether he made the squit-eye gesture during a game or at a Chinese restaurant after they put too much hot sauce on his Kung Pao Chicken.

****************************************************

Caregiver of Indian girl found dead in Texas wants answers

Police trying to figure out how he can want anything if he's dead.

****************************************************

Trump Often Promises Proof To Back Him Up. But He Never Comes Through.

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Putin takes part in Russian military drills, fires missiles

"It's like going to a fun park," Putin said afterwards. "Only slightly more expensive."

****************************************************

John Kelly: 'Lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War'

Apparently John Kelly can live with slavery, "As long as it's not in EVERY state, of course." [And it's only black people are enslaved, of course.]

****************************************************

Thinking on Your Feet

"Mmm... they seem to be at the end of my legs."

****************************************************

Kristof: Trump’s Legacy of Damaged Brains

Doesn't have to be this way: Just stop listening to him, for Christ's sakes!

****************************************************

Editorial: Will Weinstein’s Fall Finally Reform Men?

I'm convinced there's a good chance of it. After all, men have only been this way for the last 50 or 60 million years.

****************************************************

Scientists Find Massive 'Void' Inside Great Pyramid Of Giza

Now they may get a Nobel for finding nothing. And while others may be eating their hearts out with jealosy, plenty of scientists have already been given Nobels for coming up with nothing: the Higgs field, dark matter, dark energy, & plenty more other purely imaginary stuff. ["So shut up!"]

****************************************************

Florida Woman Arrested For Allegedly Riding A Horse While Drunk

Sez she should never have been arrented because, "It was the horse was driving, your honor." [Guilty!] "Ok. What if... it don't matter the horse you're riding is drunk?" [Still guilty!]

****************************************************

This Wisconsin Bill Would Let Toddlers Hunt With Guns

And what'd you want them to hunt with, their pacifiers?!

****************************************************

Gal Gadot wishes we didn't need armies

I can top that: I wish we didn't need food. [What about sex? "Ok."]

****************************************************

Suspect in student's death strolled library during manhunt

And he's still bitching about having to 'burrow' his baby sister's stroller to do it in (as his own is pretty old & beat-up now).

****************************************************

Trump claims a win over Obama: ‘Warm rapport’ with authoritarian Duterte, who called the U.S. ‘lousy’

Who sez opposites attract?

****************************************************

Lenin impersonator ekes out a living on edge of Red Square

He looks so much like a corpse that tourists find it hard to tell him from the real Lenin! [Sez the only thing that really bothers him about his job is drinking all that embalming fluid for breakfast before catching the bus for work.]

****************************************************

Islamic Jihad official: Tunnel's purpose was to abduct soldiers for swaps

See, this very poor PR: What they should've said was that the tunnel was only to bring Christmas presents to Israeli kids.

****************************************************

Roy Moore Is Being Persecuted ‘Like Jesus,’ His Brother Says In Interview

Well, we can only hope Roy's also sentenced 'like Jesus' then.

****************************************************

Why ‘Murder on the Orient Express’ still thrills — even if you know whodunit

I know every time I watch it I start gett'n this funny feeling I might've seen it before.

****************************************************

Man shoots ATM in Alexandria, surveillance video shows

Maybe it printed out something about his Momma.

****************************************************

Your house is a gigantic bug habitat, and there’s nothing you can do about it

Especially if they're all close relatives.

****************************************************

Pope asks leaders to imagine a world without nuclear weapons

Does it really take that much imagination? Aren't we pretty much talking both World Wars there?

****************************************************

Alcohol Can Help You Speak A Foreign Language More Fluently

I know every time I get drunk nobody seems to understand a word I'm saying.

****************************************************

Kevin Spacey is being edited out of already filmed Getty kidnapping movie

And I heard that Eric Cartman is being penciled into each scene in the movie where Spacey was.

****************************************************

Ivanka Trump’s impending visit to India prompts roundup of beggars

Did not know that Ivanka collected beggars, but if she keeps them in Trump Tower they'll probably be a lot better off there than where they are now.

****************************************************

Fact Checker: Paul Ryan’s repeated claim that ‘everyone’ will get a tax cut

Wonder if that includes a chicken in every pot or 40 acres & a mule.

****************************************************

Grilled-cheese sandwich suspected in young boy’s death

Prosecutors said that while they could easily get a Grand Jury to indict a ham sandwich they've never tried to indict a grilled-cheese one.

****************************************************

NASA Seeks Nickname for Tiny, Icy World on Solar System Edge

"Brrrrr"

****************************************************

Please stop annoying this NASA scientist with your ridiculous Planet X doomsday theories

"Sorry. No can do: That's the Annoyer-in-Chief there."

****************************************************

Senator Franken Calls For An Investigation Of Himself, But Is That Enough?

For Al it is, sure: He'll finally find out whether he did it or not.

****************************************************

Trump Trades In Steak For Shark Fin Soup In Vietnam

The steak was 3 dollars. The soup was only seventy-five cents.

****************************************************

My ex-husband was a serial cheater. Am I crazy to date a man who cheated on his wife?

No. You will not become officially certifiable until AFTER you marry him.

****************************************************

Spanish nuns face fine for fixing organ

Said they fixed it because they were sure they'd have a lot more fun with it working the way it's supposed to.

****************************************************

Military dog wins British prize for valor under fire

"What?! No. Wait, they were firing at ME?!?"

****************************************************

The Absolute Worst Excuses Ever For Calling In Sick

1) "Sorry, boss. But if I come to work I just know it's gonna make me sick to my stomach!"

****************************************************

Jury says sex with a student should cost a former high school teacher $49.3 million

Excuse me, but isn't that just going to encourage more students to go into prostitution?

****************************************************

Lebanon's PM says he will return in next 2 days

Sez he's still on the toilet: Sorry. Patience.

****************************************************

Samsung worker killed by brain tumor wins compensation case

Does not say what he's going to do with the money.

****************************************************

Was Israel wrong to support Kurdish independence?

Yes, because now all of Israel's Turkish, Arab and Iranian allies may think badly of her.

****************************************************

U.S. Hires Company With K.G.B. Link to Guard Moscow Embassy

What could possibly go wrong?

****************************************************

Trump offers to return Philippine fugitive, telling Duterte: “I will send him back because I know you follow the rule of law”

And they still say Trumpy doesn't have a sense of humor.

****************************************************

Self-Driving Trucks May Be Closer Than They Appear

Thanks for the heads-up. Minute I see one up ahead I'll slam on the brakes.

****************************************************

Franken pledges to regain Minnesota constituents’ trust

Sez Minnesotans keep their trust in their hip pockets & that he's the guy knows how to really get a hold of that.

****************************************************

Scaramucci says no reason to fear Trump peace plan

Sez Trump doesn't really have one.

****************************************************

For the first time ever, Miss Germany could be a Jew

In that case I hope it's my friend Beny Goldstein: His analyst told him he could use any encouragement he can get.

****************************************************

Drowning in garbage: The world produces more than 3.5 million tons of garbage a day — and that figure is growing

If I were drowning in garbage I'd look around & see if there might be an old toilet seat floating around to hang on to.

****************************************************

Rep. Joe Barton apologizes for a graphic nude photo of him that circulated on social media

Never apologize for your shortcomings, dude. [That's God's bad. So let Him apologize for it.]

****************************************************

Piers Morgan Chews Out Dating Guru: ‘You Are A Repulsive Individual’

Dating Guru shoots back: "Good to know. I was gonna ask you out, but now I won't."

****************************************************

Don’t Be That Person Who Wastes Absurd Amounts Of Food On Thanksgiving

Remember that the more you eat, the more you crap.

****************************************************

Arianna Huffington Denies Article That Claims Al Franken Groped Her

Ruth Bader Ginsburg asked Al to, but he declined, citing separation of powers.

****************************************************

Moore Red Flags: Roy liked H.S. Cheerleaders

Aw, c'mon! Who doesn't like H.S. cheerleaders? [I suppose you hate puppies too!]

****************************************************

Islamic State beheads 15 of its own fighters

"We was running short of captives so they volunteered in order to get to Paradise ahead of the Christmas rush."

****************************************************

Why did we stop eating pudding at Thanksgiving?

All I know is we used to eat a lot more of it before Bill Cosby started pushing it on people.

****************************************************

This man is about to launch himself in his homemade rocket to prove the Earth is flat

Wonder why he doesn't just smash his head in with a hammer: It's a lot cheaper and would prove it just as effectively.

****************************************************

In a blow to Saudi ambitions, Lebanon’s Prime Minister Hariri puts his resignation on hold

Super! Now the Saudis can claim Hariri is being help captive in Lebanon. [What goes around comes around.]

****************************************************

‘How’d he help?’ LaVar Ball tells CNN he still won’t thank President Trump.

Sez his son would've learned a valuable lesson if he'd done his 3 to 10 years in a Chinese prison like he was supposed to. [Though in LaVar's defense: He's also trying to get into the Guinness Book World Records for 'colossal ingrates']

‘Poor man’s version of Don King’: Trump continues his war of words with LaVar Ball

Experts break down the difference between Trump and LaVar: Because LaVar waves his arms about more wildly it is far easier to tell he's crazy than that Trump is--Trump is just a more subtle kind of lunatic.

****************************************************

The fall of Robert Mugabe sends an ominous signal to Africa’s dictators

That they shouldn't hang on to power after they're 92 years old?

****************************************************

Don’t force your kids to hug family members during holidays, Girl Scouts advise

Damn! How many of them Girl Scouts got kids?

****************************************************

Would You Pay $1,000 for a Chinese Smartphone?

If it also did my laundry, sure. Why not!

****************************************************

Bus falls off cliff leaving 14 dead, 38 injured in Colombia

Now they'll have to wait for the next bus out of Colombia.

****************************************************

Dozens support Algerian newspaper director on hunger strike

Although most there probably just came for the buffet.

****************************************************

The National Dog Show winner looks like an adorable little Chewbacca

His proud owner is Mrs. Chewbacca

****************************************************

Vikings’ Everson Griffen wants viewers’ help in naming his Thanksgiving baby boy

Sez he don't know how to write 'talking'

****************************************************

Stop blaming Grace Mugabe

[from the best-selling All Women Are Like That by D. Donald Drunk]

****************************************************

What crying in movies taught me about my relationships

That women hate it when everybody in the theatre's crying & you too get hysterical laughing at'em.

****************************************************

Everything you always wanted to know about umbrellas (but were afraid to ask)

1) is it easier to steal one when it's raining than on a dry day

****************************************************

House fires burn much faster than they used to. Here’s how to survive.

1) run faster than you used to

****************************************************

Earthquake kills hundreds in the Iran-Iraq border region

When are you damn atheists gonna learn: Earthquakes don't kill people--God kills people.

****************************************************

Pope decries fomenting fear of migrants for political gain

Well, thank God these days Al Franken is not the only one apologizing for his bad.

****************************************************

Poland's Kaczynski reads book about cats in parliament

Sez he's gonna have a very serious talk with his kid when he gets home tonight.

****************************************************

Black Celebrities Are Here To Reclaim Black Friday For Black Politicians

It's so nice to see a few rich bastards buying gifts for somebody without expecting something in return for a change.

****************************************************

Mark Hamill Hints At A Potentially Huge Reveal In ‘The Last Jedi’

If it's that Yoda has been played by a Troll all these years--we already knew.

****************************************************

Woman Raises Over $300,000 For Homeless Man Who Gave Her His Last $20

Now she'll not only be able to repay him his $20 but also slip him an additional $20 for his trouble.

****************************************************

Why Lost Ice Means Lost Hope for an Inuit Village

Because the Margaritas on the rocks they're drinking now are damaging their teeth?

****************************************************

Ninth-grader captured trying to cross into Canada after grandmother was found in backyard grave

This is why when I was in the seventh grade I always made sure I gave up my lunch money to them ninth graders pronto.

****************************************************

Twitter Users Shred Tomi Lahren Over ‘Disrespectful’ Colin Kaepernick D-Day Image

It's one thing for Kaepernick to disrespect the flag and everybody died for her, dude, but disrespecting Kaepernick is way out of line!

****************************************************

How Pixar’s ‘Coco’ became a huge box-office hit

It's the only movie of its type now out there?

****************************************************

Donald Trump’s revealed opinion about why he won the 2016 election

Had a longer penis than his opponent. Hillary Clinton wants a measurement.

****************************************************

Former Trump Adviser Says He’d Rather See Doug Jones Elected Than Roy Moore

Sez just Trump alone being president is more than enough to remind people what scumbags Republicans are.

****************************************************

Pope dives into Rohingya crisis upon arrival in Myanmar

Sez he likes swimming with the sharks.

****************************************************

The word the Burmese leadership does not want the pope to say during his visit

"Motherfucker" [The Burmese are much more reserved than we are here in the West, and the Pope should respect that.]

****************************************************

Two new reports suggest Trump has come unhinged. The truth is worse.

He was always like that.

****************************************************

Danish police find arm at sea, link it to submarine case

"Submarine looks like an ass," said the Dane. "So this arm fits in there like a glove."

****************************************************

India’s Punishment for Plant-Eating Donkeys: Jail Time

The donkeys' response? "We didn't do nothing, man! We didn't do nothing!"

****************************************************

Real-Life Iron Man Sets Record For Fastest Time In Jet Suit

Girlfriend not impressed. [Now looking for some other guy.]

****************************************************

Reality scores a win over the perverse drive to discredit honest reporting

After finally scoring a victory at last Reality said it was going out on top and retired! [After which it went fishing with George Costanza.]

****************************************************

An 84-year-old doctor who refuses to use a computer has lost her medical license

Claims the computer is overrun with mice, so she won't come anywhere near it. Her great-grandson sez he's only seen a single one on it but he's willing to call in an exterminator. [Stay tuned.]

****************************************************

Deeply unpopular Congress aims to pass deeply unpopular bill for deeply unpopular president to sign

In other words, politics as usual.

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Eurek-baa: Scientists Say Sheep Can Recognize Celebrity Faces

Big deal! I can do that. AND like sheep I too can't put a name to most of those "so-called" celebrities.

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New Jersey Police Try to Trace Source of Loud Banging Noise

Say they're searching for fat men who like to eat spicy sausages late at night.

Enough with the fat jokes! No. Wait. Just one more:

We were fat-shamed by our waitress during an anniversary dinner

But if we'd've tipped her according to how many average-sized people the two of us added up to weighed together (like she wanted) it would have absolutely bankrupt us!

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70 years after partition, a two-state solution is still possible

Get the Arab Palestinians to go back to the desert and then fill Palestine with Guatemalans. That might work.

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Why are Republicans raising taxes on millions of Americans?

Why are bank-robbers going into banks to rob them?

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Cockatoos Match Shapes Better Than Apes

If it's the shape of a Cockatoo, I'm not surprised.

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Goldberg: Odds Are, Russia Owns Trump

Which is like totally unnecessary because if they played Trump's pee-pee tape on Netflix we'd probably all just get a big kick out of it. And that'd be the end of it. [Then on to Trump's next outrage.]

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The heartbreaking story of an old man and his cat

He was 90, the cat was 25 (somebody should've told him these May-December romances never really work).

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President Trump Puts His Indifference To The Environment On Hold For Elephants

Trumpy heard that elephants have a thing for peanuts and he doesn't know they're legumes, not nuts. ["They love me a lot, a lot."]

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Why does conservative Armstrong Williams want to buy the liberal Washington City Paper?

Because there's more than one way for a rich man to have himself declared Man of The Year by a newspaper.

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Reducing Mahler’s Sixth Symphony to a piano recital

If Van Cliburn is still alive and playing his banjo I think it's possible to make one more reduction still.

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LaVar Ball reportedly removes son LiAngelo from UCLA, will focus on NBA draft

Sez he bet all his kids' salaries on which order the teams are likely to pick.

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Trump always lashes out when he’s cornered. He told me so years ago.

All rats do that. Odd that a rat can talk so much, though.

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Which animals are smartest: Dogs, cats, or … raccoons?

I'd have to say dogs: I gave my dog $5 to get me a beer at 7-11 and not only did he not bring me back the beer but he showed up the next morning with a hangover & a couple of bitches! Can't beat that.

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For President Trump, the truth is beside the point

Yes: For a baby, what it wants is all that matters.

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Billy Bush: Yes, Donald Trump, You Said That

Billy's wasting his time there: Trump believes that anything he makes up is reality. Trust me, there is no convincing people that far gone.

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Grassley: We Need The Estate Tax Because The Working Class Wastes Their Money

"They don't need to buy all that food. And them buying cars just drives down city transit profits."

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McConnell predicts the tax bill — which Americans are slow to embrace — will be a winning issue for GOP

Either that or it'll stuff a cool trillion bucks' worth of deficit into their pockets now. [A win-win is still a win.]

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The Marlins fired a scout who was recovering from cancer surgery and needed a kidney transplant

"A penny saved is a penny earned."

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Trilobites: How Dwarf Mongooses Respond to New Immigrants

Guess they no longer pull any punches on those Trump stories.

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A man collapsed with ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ tattooed on his chest. Doctors didn’t know what to do.

For God's Sakes, man: "Do Not Resuscitate" is the name of his dog! Save him!

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Dead Sea Scrolls do not belong to Israel, Germany says

And Judaism does not belong to the Jews. Jerusalem is the capital of Puerto Rico. And there was never any God before Mohammed dressed up an Arabian moon goddess in pantaloons. [Google it: She was already called Allah.] Thought all those crescent moons were just decorations, didn't'ya!

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Boat carrying pilgrims capsizes off Pakistan, 14 dead

They were no doubt originally headed for Massachusetts but probably got lost in the fog.

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Queen Elizabeth commissions aircraft carrier with her name

Sez she'll either run it up & down the Thames, or use it to take long sea voyages to Australia.

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Putin undecided whether to run as an independent or not

Sez that after all he's done for the GOP they could've done a little more for him.

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Italy man arrested on suspicion of poisoning entire family

"No! I did NOT poison my entire family," sez he: "I'm still here."

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‘You need to kill him?’: Tyson Food contractors caught on video mistreating chickens

Gloria Allred caught on video inside the chicken coop later looking for clients.

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The Trump administration just proposed allowing tip-pooling in restaurants. Critics call it stealing.

Hey, Republicans have to legalize stealing every whichway it's possible as quickly as they can before voters wise up to the fact that it's them they're stealing from.

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I was a teenage Senate page. The thought of ‘Senator Roy Moore’ makes me sick.

Way ahead of you: Senate Republicans already looking for gorgeous young teens with strong stomachs to serve in Roy's offices (and other of his locked properties).

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Greek Authorities Say Tugboat Carried 6 Tons of Cannabis

Police say they became suspicious when tugboat tried unsuccessfully 7 times to dock with the ocean.

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Don’t read this article if you are afraid of giant snakes three times your size

Finally a news story about Trump that comes with a warning!

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This is how nuclear war with North Korea would unfold

North Korea sends ICBM's to the U.S. carrying deadly biological materials which are then dispersed over a staggeringly large area when the missiles are destroyed high above us by us. Following which most of us should die.

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Meet the driver who stopped to rescue a rabbit from a California wildfire

"What about the old lady who was burning in the car up ahead?" ["Screw her--She's not a rabbit! Let her save her own ass."] "There was also an ass there?!"

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Krugman: Why Is the G.O.P. Rushing This Tax Abomination?

Because once the American People understand just how thoroughly they're been fleeced Republicans expect the voters will go crying back to the Democrats. And they wanna be as far away as quickly as possible with their bags of cash before anybody knows what happened.

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Toddler Mistakes Sister’s Wrestling Match For Real Fight, Runs In To Save Her

Sister's playmate gets a loaded diaper across the face.

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USA Today Calls Trump Unfit To Clean Obama’s Toilets In Scathing Editorial

I must disagree, anybody who's watched his Russia pee-pee tapes knows Trump would be in his element working with toilets.

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Trump, Deflecting Blame, Tweets ‘I Said Moore Will Not Be Able to Win’

After he lost, sure. Before that Trump was hoping he could claim American voters love to elect sexual predators. [Now Moore can retire to private life and open his Roy Moore Finishing School For Young Ladies--Where you have Mister Moore's personal guarantee that once he gets his hands on'em they're pretty much finished.]

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Iran: Trump's Jerusalem move will hasten Israel's destruction

"This is why we most heartily approve of the move," explained Iran's supreme leader Ali Khamenei.

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High Court: Enhanced interrogation was legal to stop 'ticking bomb'

"I knew when they all came in wearing tuxedoes and top hats that this wasn't going to be your usual plain sort of interrogation," the prisoner said later.

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I’m Jewish. My husband is Christian. What do I tell our daughter about Santa?

Tell her he's an escaped lunatic from an institute for the criminally insane who goes around punishing naughty children by NOT visiting them. That'll fix her. [And your husband.]

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The Los Angeles fire that destroyed Bel-Air homes began at a homeless camp, officials say

What goes around comes around, I suppose.

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Can Christians find common ground on guns?

Hope so. That way they can shoot it out there & stay out of my neighborhood.

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Roy Moore turns refusal to concede into religious crusade: ‘Immorality sweeps over the land’

God writes the bad men do on their semblances: This man looks like he's corrupt down to the core of his being and just loves to spread evil in the world of men--That is very clearly written on the looks of him.

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Chinese daredevil plunged to his death while attempting to do pullups off a skyscraper

Google still trying to find out what the Chinese word "Ooops!" means in English.

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PBS Suspends ‘Tavis Smiley Show’ While It Investigates Host’s Alleged Misconduct

It's the only way to cancel these hosts' shows, dude. Otherwise they'd be on the air till they dropped dead on-camera. [I'm still waiting on Steve Harvey, Ellen DeGeneres, and Dr. Phil.]

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Michael Che Is Now The First Black Head Writer Of ‘SNL’ In Its 43-Year History

"We was just waiting till he was born and grew up."

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Arctic Temperatures Are Rising So Fast Computers Don’t Believe They’re Real

Well, at least now we know which brand computers Trump watches his online porn on.

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‘This has gone too far,’ says defiant Tavis Smiley after PBS suspends his show for ‘misconduct’

Read the script, dude. Your line is: "I didn't do nothing, man! I didn't do nothing!"

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Republicans Are Voting To Give A Huge Tax Cut To Many Members Of Congress

U.S. lawmakers are redistributing income from the poor to the rich, according to massive new study

Trump and the GOP are rigging our tax system for the rich. This new report explains how.

Richest 1 Percent Get 82 Percent Of Benefit Of Final Tax Bill Over Time

"Somebody stop me!" [Jim Carrey in The Mask]

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Carolyn Hax: When in-laws roll their eyes at your food choices, go with your gut

I tried this and it works: A fart is always the best revenge.

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Police: Trooper shoots, kills man during traffic stop

"I had no good reason for shoot'n him," said the cop. "So I figured I'd better go ahead & kill him so I'd be the only one telling how it went down."

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Another patient dies at a Miami cosmetic surgery clinic

"In the end he was looking pretty good."

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Train Wreck: Trump Pick Stumped On Basic Questions!

"If somebody commits a crime, is that a crime?"

"What is a 'crime'...?"

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Putin defends Trump in marathon press conference

"He's my stooge," said Putin: "Least I can do is defend him: You have any idea how hard it would be to get stuff as bad as we've got on Trump on another American!?!"

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Santa and the truth trap we parents find ourselves in

Tell the truth about Santa to the kids & then he won't leave us any gifts this Christmas!

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Police arrest man with explosive device in West Bank

"This is the police: Here! Catch this explosive device!" [Bang!] "Got him!"

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Will add more later. SDR

[After I blow-dry my house from Irma.] Buy the books: Each has hundreds & hundreds more...

[Thousands & thousands if you get the entire set.]

These are all real headlines--I'm the one who's unreal.

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DISCLAIMER: Note that my quips are almost exclusively all about the headline and the news articles themselves are in most cases irrelevant: Only because of the electronic nature of eBooks have I been able to include a [most convenient] search link to the actual news article... exclusively for the sake of those of you with a morbid curiosity (or a slow wit). But though I myself have read them, it is not really all that necessary that you put yourself through that too--unless, of course, you wish to find out whether my outrageous make of them might perhaps also be accurate (or just plain nuts).
S D Rodrian
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PERMISSIONS: As long as you provide the appropriate citation of authorship and Copyrights you may use [just one] of the above quips. More than one and you gotta pay me through the nose for their use.*
S D Rodrian

* NO mucus, please.

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SUNDRY OTHER S D Rodrian NOTES:

The Rules of Life
http://thesolutionisthis.com
The Stories and Poems of S D Rodrian
LATTER-DAY MUSINGS
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Copyright Notice: Please note that none of the materials in this website are in the Public Domain, so please do not reproduce any of it without the proper permissions from the Copyright holder: S D Rodrian

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